The Rebirth of (my) Vinyl

One of my clearest early memories, at age 6, is of sitting in the conversation pit (yes, really - it was the 70s, kids) in our living room, listening to the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack. And I listened to it over and over and over. I also loved Endless Summer, the Beach Boys double album compilation, at that time. Today I listened to the used copy I just bought last week, very grateful to the person named Marsha who sold it to 1-2-3-4 Go Records in Oakland, who sold it to me for $6, because hearing In My Room on vinyl this afternoon for the first time in 44 years was a very amazing and emotional experience. Sense memory is so powerful. I was back in that conversation pit with the clear and unjaded mind of a 6-year-old again. And loving music the way it is supposed to be heard - analog.

I was an only child until almost 8 years old, and was on my own for entertainment a lot. Thankfully, I had very young parents who listened to contemporary music and were happy to let me listen, too. I may have listened too much, because I remember frequently having earphones much too big for my head put on while I listened. I looked like I had half of a black cantaloupe on each ear. Until I was about 10, I just listened to the records my parents had or bought for me. Memorable ones include Revolver, Rumors, Peter and the Wolf, the Star Wars soundtrack, and the aforementioned disco and beachy music. I saw Annie the musical when I was 7 and wore that record out. Around 1980, I started buying my own records, mostly based on things I heard on the radio and saw on Solid Gold. I remember Private Eyes by Hall and Oates, Beauty and the Beat by The Go-Go’s, and Pyromania by Def Leppard the most. I first heard Men at Work and the English Beat on vinyl, and bought more Beatles records to explore. I’m really glad my parents let me listen to whatever I wanted, and that I earned an allowance!

Pretty soon I started to buy tapes more than records because I could take them to my room and play them on a boombox, or out and around on my Walkman. By the middle of high school, CDs started to become the preferred way to listen to music, with CRYSTAL CLEAR DIGITAL SOUND! NO POPS OR CRACKLES! IT’S BETTERRRRRRR!!

But when I was home and in the living room, it was always records. Because the stereo was dope, the speakers were loud, and it just sounded amazing. And I was home alone a lot. Sorry for the noise violations, former neighbors.

From the age of 17 until mmmmmm……2020, I moved around a real lot. Like to other states and back, and then to another state, and another, and then with everything in storage while constantly on the road, to being kind of settled, but never truly so. Therefore, I never started my own record collection apart from the many opera records I inherited from opera companies and my uncle Merv. And the only reason I was dragging those records around without a player was because they were 78s, and I had also inherited a Victrola that I had to find a way to a) fix, and b) safely get to me. Sadly, neither of those things ever happened. The Victrola is still with my cousin in the central valley, not working, and the Memphis Public Library now owns my extensive opera collection. So yeah, 33 years without a record player or a vinyl collection I could play. Boooooo. I am lucky that I had friends and family who let me listen to theirs!

Now that I think I’m living where I’ll probably die, if not very close to it, it was time to start my new vinyl journey. In January of this year, I bought a decent turntable, a great used receiver, and some more than sufficient speakers, and started anew. My boyfriend is a super record maniac, so I get to go record shopping as much as I want to without alienating my sig-o, and that’s awesome. I have just loosely counted, and I already have about 70 records. Oops! So that’s where my money has been disappearing! Don’t care. It is so magical to hear old favorites as well as things I’ve never heard on vinyl before, and look forward to the next exploration thru stacks or boxes, flipping for new treasure, and then getting to listen to all of it when I get home.

And holy shit, are there already records that I can’t stop listening to! I am still the same person as that 6-year-old, and I will wear stuff out! Joe Jackson, Big Star, Dead Kennedys, Public Enemy, Muse, George Jones, Tears for Fears, EODM, Marvin Gaye, Sam Cooke, Prince…..it all sounds SO GOOD. I have been on a quest to purchase all of the records that brought me joy in my youth, and only have a couple more on the list at this point. Getting to hear some of my favorite local bands and friends’ bands on vinyl is hella cool, too. And omg, the opera. One of the record stores that has been around my whole life, Rasputin Records, has a ginormous collection of used complete operas for $1.50 a piece! I am trying to control myself and not go there every week for more, because I don’t have endless time for listening. But maybe someday. Playing the lottery now just in case. But OH! My favorite recordings of Rigoletto, Figaro, Orfeo ed Euridice, Tosca, so many more….I have literally wept while listening, it’s so much like having the singers right in front of me again.

The only negative thing about my new (old) vinyl life is that apparently the kids are into it too, and the resurgence of popularity makes the prices…..well…..pretty dumb. But I’m happy to buy treasures in new condition, and search for quality used finds. Thankfully, I make a little more money than I did in 1980, too.

Hey! It’s Record Store Day on Saturday! Happy listening, loves. And thanks for reading.

Why resist? DO IT.

Y’all! Big stuff cookin’!

I’ve already done some new-to-me things this year, but the biggest thing is happening in a few weeks, and I’m super excited!

I don’t know what has changed my M.O. when it comes to making changes in myself, which is to reason myself out of it, usually out of indifference, or even laziness, or even worse, fear.. Maybe it’s this wackadoodle dumpster fire of a year, maybe turning 50 in 7 months, but whatever the reason, I have become much more open to experiencing…..a new me? Better me? The me I’m supposed to be? Gaaahhh, none of those things sound right. I think it’s just…..ME! Plain ol’ me! I’m doing whatever I want to feel good, finally, without talking myself out of it first. And I’m definitely not going to let fear hold me back this time.

So in March, I had my first experience with cosmetic enhancement, and had a little Botox in my forehead, and some Restylane, which is a filler, in a couple lines in my lower face. What’s hilarious about it (okay, maybe not HILARIOUS) is that the COVID shelter-in-place happened THE NEXT DAY. So I never even got to see if anyone would notice! Masks every moment since. You gotta laugh! Thing is, now that it’s all worn off, I’m not going to do it again, at least not for now. I don’t think it was necessary, I just had the opportunity to try it, so I did. I looked fine, but I think I look fine without, too. I’m sure that opinion will change as my face keeps slowly being victimized by gravity and all. Haha. Yikes! Yay! Aging! Woo!

Then! Last week I dyed my damn hair!! Like, permanent hair color! Other than very stupid decisions as a teenager that included very yellow bleached chunks and a blue/black incident that will haunt me for life, I have only ever used temporary colors in various shades of red or pink for fun. I’m a natural redhead, and had very bright red hair until the last 5 years or so, I was super lucky. The hair in the title banner of this website is mine, it’s called Rant Gingerly for a reason. BUT. I knew there was a lot of white hair in there, and some weird blonde hair too, and that my hair was getting more dull, but I had no idea how bad it had gotten until I saw it alongside the new color I just did. Crazy!! And I LOVE having my old shade back!! I feel whole again, like the real me. I resisted for so long because I didn’t want to be a FAKE redhead. But how can a natural redhead be a fake redhead, I dunno what I was thinking. I’m so glad I did it, but I was scared. As. FUCK. Phew!

So, here’s the big one. I’m having rhinoplasty. I AM HAVING A NOSE JOB. In a few weeks! I have wanted this since I was about 16, and have gone as far as trying to find the right surgeon many times in the past, but never even could get to the consultation phase before. Why? I’m not sure, but again, probably just made excuses because of fear or uncertainty. But there are two certainties about aging. One, you can’t stop it. And two, your nose and ears will KEEP ON GROWING, Y’ALL. Sad but true!

So the nose I hated at 16 is even worse now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not self-conscious about it. When I describe the things about it that I want to change, most people have never noticed those things until I point them out. And that’s fine, I’m not doing this so anyone will notice. In fact, I don’t want it to change that much or alter my face forever. I just want some small adjustments and to be able to breathe well on both sides. And that’s how I know I’ve found the right surgeon, because she zoned in on exactly what I wanted to change and exactly how to keep me looking like me, but better. For ME. I am SO EXCITED!!! Yes, I’m scared. Of course I am, it’s surgery! But I’m confident in the team that will be caring for me, and that I will be a stellar patient and follow all instructions. I’ll have a mask on, so you won’t be able to see it afterwards. Like, ever. Sorry.

Just kidding!

I’m going to document it, to some extent. I have been watching some vlogs to get an idea of what to expect, and not surprisingly, there are very few middle-aged people describing their experience. But it is so great to see these vlogs because of useful tips and tricks for coping, as the first few days can be pretty dang uncomfortable for many reasons. So if I can help another old person like me decide to pull the trigger and do something they have always wanted to do and get through it, that would make me happy.

So…..what do you want to do for yourself? Anything holding you back from being the best you and making yourself happy?

Fuck it, I say! DO IT!!

Smootchies!

Love in the time of COVID-19

It all started with a 17-hour first date just after the New Year. When you arrange to just meet for drinks and part ways 17 hours later, you really can’t help but be excited to see where this banananess may go. And over the next 2+ months, it went all over! Bars, restaurants, parties, shows, donut shops, dollar stores….(ahhhhh, the real world, remember it? Hugging your friends in a crowded place with live music? Having a professional mix your drink? Those were the days, kids. Those were the days.)…..we went everywhere and anywhere together, and we were definitely and totally liking each other. On March 15th we went to my favorite dive bar, and after being there for an hour or two, heard that bars and breweries were being closed at midnight that night. Two days later, the Bay Area was on lockdown. And 2 more months later, it still is until at least the end of the month, but we all assume that will be extended. And I’m glad for that. I’d rather watch stupidity and denial from afar if I have to see it at all. But anyway, my new relationship has been over 4 months, half in the real world, half in SIP/pandemic land. Talk about a memorable beginning.

My boyfriend! He’s rad. He’s from Southern California originally, and like all good southerners, he opens the car door for me. We’re the same age and have a lot of shared experiences and background things, even had mutual friends before we ever met each other. He’s a punk and really tall and wears all black and people probably make assumptions about him all the time because of his appearance, but then they’d feel stupid for those assumptions when they got to know him. He calls all living creatures “buddy” (“Hey, buddy, how’s your day?” to the lizard in our hiking path), unabashedly hugs his friends and tells them he loves them, and unfailingly puts the well-being of others before his own. He’s a cat person and loves live music and being silly. He knows what he likes and he likes it a lot, but is totally open to new people and new experiences. My family loves him. He is fucking hilarious and ridiculously smart, and his grammar, spelling and punctuation are PERFECT. (drooooooooool OH sorry. You know how I am, come on. That’s so hot!!) He is a beautiful writer and an even more beautiful person, inside and out. He’s sexy and sweet, and I’m grateful every moment we’re together. He treats me like a queen every minute of every day. We’re in love, and it’s amazing. We know how lucky we are.

And all this in the middle of a pandemic. Woof!

We both still have jobs, although mine scaled back to almost nothing for a while there, and we are still seeing each other on weekends and the occasional weeknight. But it’s still a hard time for everyone on this planet, and we’re no exception. It’s a lot to process, the world today - and the outlook is impossible to see clearly. But navigating this new way of life with a partner is a lot easier than doing it alone, that’s for sure. We have helped each other out in figuring out the safest way to do…..well, everything, and how to reduce risks in our lives. It’s a lot of work, bur neither of us wants to have to be apart. We help each other cope with the stress and uncertainty, and it has really brought us closer.

I really don’t think that two people in a relationship as new as ours would handle this well if they weren’t truly well-suited for each other, because the level of togetherness and understanding required by this situation is unparalelled. We have to amuse ourselves and each other without many available distractions. And honestly, it’s been amazing. I can’t wait for a life closer to what we used to consider normal, but I just had to write a little today about how lucky I feel in this very unlucky time. Who knows what our future will be like? It’s so weird to really think about it, right? And scary. Really scary. I just hope I’m part of his future, and he’s part of mine, too. As much as I have always worked to never actually need someone else in my life, it sure is nice to want someone there again.

Be smart! Wear a mask! Stay home! Take care of yous guys! I love ya! Ya heard??

Wherein the world went bananas, circa 2020

Keeping in mind that I don’t typically watch the news, or TV in general, here is a quick personal timeline of this shit storm:

Late February: Become aware of a corona virus wreaking havoc on China.

Early March: Holy shit, Italy is fucked. It’s in Europe, too? What is happening?? Start reading news, start having conversations, mainly with healthcare professionals about what it is, what it does.

March 12: There are patients with this virus at our hospital, reportedly. From the cruise ship. More conversations, mainly about the need for ventilators, in order to treat this.

March 13 (Friday the 13th): Wow, this is really serious. Why has it been treated so cavalierly by the government?? Become aware that my workplace could immediately be affected. Our anesthesia machines could be needed as ventilators. Non-essential businesses are already making the choice to close in the Bay Area, including surgery centers.

March 14: Happy to have some little bottles of Purell around. Wonder why everyone is buying toilet paper.

March 15: Go to bar to see friends, aware that precautions are being taken there. Still have Purell in pocket. While at the bar, get text that Governor Newsom is closing bars, breweries and clubs in California as of that night. Have one last round and go to Safeway. Lots of people had the same idea. Load up with supplies, mainly snacks and alcohol. Survival instincts are clearly kicking in.

March 16: Find out that workplace will indeed be affected. Then find out that a shelter-in-place order is going into effect at midnight for 6 Bay Area counties, including my own. Had to find out what that meant.

March 17: Find out that I won’t be needed at work this whole week. Start unemployment filing process and do some education at home to earn some hours.

March 19: Newsom puts whole state on Shelter-in-Place order.

March 20: Become ill with non virus-related issue and put on antibiotics. End up on them for almost 2 weeks and can’t work for fear of exposure while immune system is busy elsewhere.

Day 27. Today. Healthy, totally fine for over a week. Have had a few scary, stressful trips to the grocery store and have worked one shift since March 13, but have been home for the rest of this time. Doing a lot of work in my yard and prepping for a vegetable garden. Happily bought my seeds months ago. See no one but my boyfriend, who already worked from home before this all happened. Utilizing video chats and phone calls to try and stay connected to my loved ones. But this shit is hard. Concerned for my financial well-being, still have not heard a peep from unemployment to offset the reduced hours, and pray for opportunities to work a shift each week.

Yet, I feel I am one of the lucky ones.

At least for now, I have a job and opportunities to work, and my benefits like health insurance are intact as long as this remains true. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and activities I enjoy around the house that keep me busy. I have a wonderful partner to share mutual support and time with. My friends and loved ones are staying healthy so far. I live in a state whose leadership has taken this pandemic very seriously from the beginning and is working hard to protect its citizens.

My stress, worry, and sadness is for others at this time. The fact that people are dying alone because their families are not allowed to be near them in their last moments is the primary source of my sadness. I cannot imagine that level of pain, and hope to never know it. I see the struggles of friends and acquaintances on social media, people hitting the bottom of hopelessness, some entirely giving up, and I want to cry. Yet we aren’t able to hug anyone. It’s just so hard. Some days I want to completely ignore social media, and not know these things for the protection of my own sanity, but then what if I can reach out to someone and let them know they’re loved, and somehow make a difference? What if I miss that opportunity because I missed someone’s cry for help post? Y’all. It’s a lot. For all of us.

I’m an optimistic person by nature, but I’m human, and things like this can bring feelings of hopelessness and fear that can be hard to cope with. But I’m trying to train myself away from those feelings, because hope is possibly the most powerful tool in my shed. No one can possibly know how this is all going to play out for all of us, but that fact that it is an ALL OF US scenario is what gives me the most hope. Yes, some people suck. Some people suck real hard, and are making this worse for all of us with their ignorance and stupidity and dumb ass actions. But I can’t let that be my focus when there is so much good happening, so many people doing incredible things and giving of themselves to try and make an impossible situation better. The people working so hard in hospitals, grocery stores, delivery trucks, etc., the people making and donating masks, the people delivering food to the elderly, the people providing quarantine shelter to first responders - those are the people I will choose to focus on. These are the stories that make my heart feel okay again. That and all the reasons listed above for how lucky I truly am. Training my brain for focus. I won’t be hard on myself when fear and worry seep in - but I’ll keep trying to re-focus. I’ll keep making my loved ones, my patients, and myself my priority, and try to patiently wait for a new normal that will slowly emerge for all of us. ALL OF US.

I suspect these won’t be my only ponderings on this subject, because I also suspect that we have a long road ahead of us before any of us can feel “normal” again.

Also? I miss baseball.

And you.

Hang in there.

Whaaaaat just happened??

Maybe you are nervous about swimming in the ocean for the first time since you were a child. Or aren’t sure you remember that concerto you once had mastered on the piano. Some dummy is gonna say, “Don’t worry, it’s just like riding a bicycle!” You know, if you really, REALLY think about it, there are a whole lot of steps/functions that go into to successfully riding a bicycle, yet that expression makes those things seem so insignificant and easy to do.

Wait, what I am talking about again?

Oh. yeah! So, I’m talking about what it’s like to do something you haven’t done in a long, long time. You used to be fine with doing it, but then made a decision to do other things, and suddenly you’re faced with going back to that now unfamiliar territory. WILL YOU FAIL???

Dammit, Jim! I just don’t have the answers!

But! I wanna try to be good at it.

Because……The thing is……See, I met a guy.

Okay, maybe that’s not the shocking part. I meet guys all the time, they’re, like, half the population. Let me try that again.

I met a guy I really like! Who I choose, freely, to spend a ton of time with! I have a boyfriend, y’all. Yup. For realsies. He’s pretty great, you should meet him. You’d totally love each other.

But this blog isn’t about him, per se. (Maybe later!) It’s about the shock and awe related to my being in a relationship. Cuz if you know me, and I think you do, you may have noticed that I have avoided committing to anything or anyone seriously for a good number of years now, and was really happy about it. So the question is, what changed, and why now? And can I still relationship?? (If you tell me it’s just like riding a bike, I might throat punch ya.) Unexpected change is fun, no doubt! But should I wear a helmet?

Obviously, I’ve met an exceptional human being, I hope that goes without saying. It would never have been just any man who made me want to change my ways, lawd no. But I honestly thought there wasn’t anyone alive who could do that. Because I was happy, and I felt complete. Moving home hasn’t always been an easy adjustment, but I didn’t feel like I needed a relationship to make it easier. I was finding my way, and feeling stress-free and content. My family and friendships, and the things I love to do, have always been plenty for me, and have been for years now. Even dating apps bored and appalled me, and I would forget to even look at them for weeks at a time. But….BOOM!

I wonder if you really need to first feel utterly complete and happy in your skin and circumstances in order for the universe to send you someone who can complement your life in a lovely way. I’ve always been concerned for people who say things like, “She completes me” or “I don’t know what I’d do without him”. That’s sweet and all, but that’s not healthy, y’all! Life has no guarantees, we all know that. And that fear of loss and/or failure is certainly a huge factor in deciding to give your heart to someone. But maybe it’s easier, and you’re willing to be more daring, when you’ve proven to yourself that you can rock your life just fine on your own.

I’m not gonna go down a list of past relationships and examine my true state of mind at the beginning of each of them, but I’m willing to bet that if I did, and I was honest with myself, there was probably some”thing” that I was seeking outside of myself, some need or desire. I was probably not feeling truly complete going in to any of them. And guess what? All of those relationships ended.

I can’t predict the future, nor can I control it, so I have no way of knowing if this will be different. But it is different, so far. Because I don’t need this person in my life. But I very much want him there. And that feels pretty awesome.

Helmet off, bitches!